Chook Me!

How do I prepare for a spicy chicken wing massacre?

Apparently the hot wings at Chicago bar Jake Melnick's are covered in the adorable Dominican Devil's tongue pepper, 65 times hotter than jalapeño. I'm going to attempt eating a plate of these to get my photo on the wall, what should I do in preparation the half week beforehand? I enjoy spicy food often, Tabasco, hot chips and fries, curry, Thai food, wasabi.... none of those have ever been too much for me to handle. I just need to make sure I'm prepared to take on a dish apparently 65 times hotter than what I'm used to!

Public Comments

1. lots and lots of masturbation
2. Get some high quality toilet paper and plenty of Malox
3. The fiery spices in the foods are oil-based, and thus mix readily with the cooking oil and/or natural juices the food simmers in. When you eat the stuff, the oil coats your tongue and throat, and for complicated molecular reasons that we need not discuss right here, repels all efforts to wash it down with water. Water doesn't actually make the burning sensation worse, but by eliminating other distracting tastes I suppose we might say it purifies the agony. So what does work? Logic would suggest two approaches: dilutants (more oil) and solvents (such as alcohol). Best dilutant I know of is milk, which generally works like a charm. If that's not macho enough for you, you can try an alcoholic beverage appropriate to the occasion. A shot of tequila, for instance. I would take some "BEANO" the pills to take before you eat to prevent acid. Or chew some Pepto Bismol tablets.
4. Take some antacids before you even start, that way you only have to deal with the heat, not the acid buildup. Order a very sweet iced tea or lemonade, even if you don't like it, because sugar cuts the capsaicin in peppers. (Sugar water is even used to score peppers on heat. Alcohol works also, but it takes almost pure ethyl alcohol to work as well as a packet of sugar. Only sugar, no Splenda, though.) Wear chap-stick so your lips don't start to burn, and maybe drink something hot enough to scald your tastebuds before you go in. They'll be replaced in a couple days anyway and it might help. Have fun dealin with the jalapeño but afterward, lol.